Vulnerability scares most of us because it “exposes” things that we aren’t proud of. It invites shame and humiliation into the room so we avoid it.
Growing up, most of us were raised not to show weakness. Showing weakness meant that you can’t handle pressure. If you were vulnerable in any way, you were viewed as less than. When we are conditioned to appear strong at all times, we operate in a protective mode that never allows us to see each other naked, figuratively. It hurts our connection in many ways with other people, especially in our intimate relationships. When we operate with such a strong guard, we show one another that we don’t feel safe to let our guard down. It is the same thing as saying, “I don’t trust you because I don’t feel safe.”
To be vulnerable, we must know that it’s okay to reveal our weaknesses and struggles without judgement. We must know that our partner has a strong will to empathize even if they disagree or don’t understand. Being vulnerable means to be brave, but you can’t be brave with your partner if you don’t trust them with your most deepest secrets.
Opening up to your partner means to build trust by communicating what showing up means to you and how to honor and support your boundaries.
Three things need to happen so you can get closer to your companion and build a deeper connection:
1. Acknowledge your imperfections
Before a conversation happens with your mate, you need to acknowledge your imperfections and identify exactly what you need after you reveal your vulnerabilities. Specifically answering the question, “What do I need from my partner?” will help you express your needs clearly.
When two people are aware of their imperfections, they can share with their partner what those imperfections are and intentionally work on managing them or improving them together.
After you share what you need to work on, both of you can hold one another accountable and be supportive of each other’s journey to improve your relationship.
2. Identify boundaries
Now that you know what you need to work on and how you can be supported, you also need to create boundaries around those specific things. Boundaries are important to create so they can protect you. Your partner should create boundaries of his or her own as well. These boundaries must be communicated immediately. This will establish areas in life that neither of you can cross to avoid friction in the relationship. It will also allow you to protect one another from outsiders.
3. Build Trust
Building trust takes time. You can build trust with someone (and vice versa) through consistent actions of showing up. Showing up looks different for everyone. Showing up can be studying together, managing the budget together, words of affirmation, and not sharing intimate details about one another to third parties. There are a board amount of ways you and your partner can show up for one another. Communicating what this means makes it clear regarding how you’d like to receive your support.
If trust is present, it’s easier to be vulnerable and brave with things that you struggle with and need support for. Being vulnerable isn’t easy, but it is necessary for a deeper connection with your partner. It shows how much you trust and love within your relationship. It also opens the door to much needed healing.
